For M only

Dear darling,

I know you're on reservist outfield and won't be able to communicate with me. So I guess I'll use this blog to talk to you. Hee... I realised that I've been so used to talking to you everyday and filling you in on things going on in my life that when you're not around, I'm actually not used to it.

Ok, I admit. Maybe I don't tell you everything everyday. But I guess I'm used to the idea that you will always be there if I want to tell you anything. Unless you're busy with work or DOTA that is...

Hmmm... What did I want to tell you today? I wanted to say that it's very quiet at work. Many people were not in today, either due to MC or leave. Very boring. Amanda, my new colleague, was very nice and had dinner with me even though she had wanted to jog home initially. Also, you're on worship for this Sunday, so you're having practice this Saturday. And I really missed you. The world spun around for the entire day until I had biscuits and Ovaltine. Then, it just slowly rotated. The world finally stopped after I went to Sakae Sushi for dinner. Hee... Don't scold me la... I know you would probably be shaking your head by now. It was the only thing that I could think of which would not make my tummy queasy... You know I only eat the cooked food. I had tamago sushi, chawan mushi, cha soba and fried tofu only. Don't angry k?

Miss you...

When will you call me?

Wish you could read my mind sometimes.

You probably think I'm silly by now. I'm your silly girl. =P

I keep replaying the conversation I had with you yesterday about whether to bring the handphone with you when you go for your outfield. I wondered if I should have said not to bring it when you asked. I don't want to disturb you but here I am doing so.

Sigh...

Oh ya, we didn't get the Bukit Merah flat. I asked your sister to help me look for the reference number from the letter, which was probably on your table. Oh well... Wanted to ask if you want to apple for the Geylang Serai flats, but guess we'll look out for resale ba... That's what we said right?

I don't know why I'm posting this here. But I think this blog is becoming more and more like a place where I go to whenever I can't talk to you, whether be it coz we're fighting or you're not around. So maybe until the day you become the worm in my tummy, this blog will continue to exist.

When are you going to call me, or will you do so at all?

Beats me. But I wish you would.

You take care ok? Must miss me hor.

Love you. Kiss! Miss you...

Fenfen

Unwell

I've never been so sick before.

It all started on Wednesday. Don't know if I had been sick when I woke up but I know I was so by the afternoon. I thought I was hungry with my queasy tummy but that was so wrong.

The lunch at Long John Silver was my last for many days.

I was miserable. I felt like I wanted to die. Clutching my tummy the whole time. I thought it could be God punishing me, but no! He's too good to do that.

I struggled with breaths. Laboured breathing, now I know.

The world spun. Round and round and round it went.

Hungry, yet I couldn't stomach anything.

Thoughts of hospitals came a few times.

I realised that I am miserable when I am sick. No control, no power, no strength. I cried many times this period.

My body betrayed.

I don't want to be a pill popping machine!!!

I got to sleep now.

Another encounter with my mother...

Mum: Can you help me get some clean newspapers?
Me: Ok. *Gets the newspapers*
Mum: I think the fridge is a bit close to the cupboard... (Context: She was cleaning it, she was on the ladder putting cloth on top of it at this point.)
Me: *Tries to push it to the other side*
Mum: Aiya!!
Me: *Sees that it's a little lopsided and tries to align it, however, one side got stuck at the gap between the raised platform it was on and the kitchen sliding door.*
Mum: *shouts* You stupid girl! Why did you go and push it?
Me: *raises my voice* I was trying to help!
Mum: I didn't ask you to help! I'm trying to put the cloth on top and you go and do this!
Me: Fine! You didn't have to shout!

Fume!!!!!!!! I think I shouldn't stay at home too often. Such sparks occur once too often..

I can be alone... I think...

I just went shopping by myself today with my iPod and my bag... Managed to buy a $9.90 pair of PINK shoes from novo! Heh...

I also managed to resist temptations today.... So many nice clothes on sale!!! I'm proud of myself! hee....

Boy am I sensitive today!

Mum: Who took out the cotton in the box?
Me: I don't know. *busy reading sms from M*
Mum: The cotton was left on the table. It's dirty already.
Me: I said it wasn't me!
Mum: I didn't say it was you!
Me: No, but you raised your voice! You didn't have to do that!
Mum: *silence, continue to clean the table with an irritated look*
Me:

Sigh.

Who am I (Part Infinity)

I am someone who lives with a lot of self-blame.

I am someone who has grown up with a lot of blame from others.

I am someone who had loads of internal rules and regulations.
*Do this! Don't do that! You should be like this! You shouldn't be like that!*

I am someone who grew up with a lot of rules and regulations simply because I was never taught how to deal with the emotions that come when things happen.

I am a whole composite of things that go wrong and right in my growing up years.

Sigh.

Hazy daze...

Not just literally, but have there been days where you know you have loads of things to do but your brain is just filled with haze and you stare at the computer in a daze?

Sigh...