New look

Say, how do you like it?

I am?

What is disappointment? Or anger? Or jealousy?

I wonder how it'd be like if I could express all my emotions freely without fear of shame, recriminations, and all sorts of negative consequences. Maybe I've lived a life of masks too long so much so that I don't know how to be real anymore. Seeing how negative emotions are in the world around me, I would never be able to be me. It'd be too damaging.

How do I express emotions constructively? That's a question I'm asking myself so often nowadays.

I am not me.

It's so easy to hide your fear and hurt under the mask of anger or even indifference but they eat at you until you're nothing left. You have to be sure the other person you tell your fear and hurts to will not throw it back at your face and tell you not to feel so in many different ways.

I want to be me.

someone says...

someone says: "I wanna leave you."

someone says: "I've had enough of you."

someone says: "I haven't seen you for a very long time."

someone says: "You need to clarify if you don't understand what was being said."

someone says: "I'm lowly educated, that's why I don't know what she is talking about."

someone says: "I saw a doctor and was told that I have hardening blood vessels."

someone says: "I wish you would be more understanding."

someone says: "She's always like that."

someone says: " I don't know what to do anymore."

But He says: "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

and I say: "I will take Your yoke upon me and learn from You, for You are gentle and humble in heart, and I will find rest for my soul. For Your yoke is easy and Your burden is light."

What colour am I?

Yellows are motivated by fun. They are inviting and

embrace life as a party which they're

hosting. They love playful interaction and

can be extremely sociable and persuasive.

They seek instant gratification. YELLOWS need

to be adored and praised. While YELLOWS are

carefree, they are quite sensitive and highly

alert to others motives to control them.

YELLOWS carry within themselves the gift of a

good heart.

YELLOWS need to look good socially, and friendships

command a high priority in their lives.

YELLOWS are happy, highly verbal, easily

bored, and crave adventure. They can never

sit still for long. They choose friends who,

like themselves, refuse to allow lifes boring

details stifle their curiosity. They embrace

each day in the present tense. YELLOWS are

charismatic, spontaneous, positive, and can

be irresponsible, obnoxious, and forgetful.

When you deal with a YELLOW praise and adore

them, take a positive, upbeat approach, and

promote creative and fun activities for and

with them.


What Color Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Rival in love...

What can you do
when I feel that way to
a hard and lifeless tool.
It takes away his gloom
yet it is his time's tomb.
I feel like such a fool
for losing his attention to
this darned computer doomed!

On leave till 1 Feb

As the title says, I am currently on leave. You'd think that it's something to be really happy about but I've been sweating like nobody's business these days. With all the cleaning and painting and walking and buying and crying, it's a miracle that I'm still kicking...

I wonder how i'm gonna do it if I have my own house... Who's gonna do it for me?

Anyway, I have also given up 6 days of my leave because I forgot to clear them before they expired. When I tell people, they don't understand why I didn't remember to clear them. To tell the truth, I have no idea what I'm gonna do if I take leave. When I told my mum that, she said that there's loads of things to do, it's just that I don't know. Seriously, that is one reason why I don't wanna take leave. I mean, if I have to spend time cleaning the house on my day of leave, what kind of a rest day is that? Sheesh... That's one reason why I wouldn't tell them when I take leave and just go out as per normal. Ironically, my mum did the same thing so that she didn't have to listen to my grandmother nag at her.

I wonder if she notices the similarity...

*Drool*...

I WANT!!!!!!!!!!

MacBook Pro

15.4inch: 1.67GHz Intel Core Duo
S$ 3,688.00

Estimated Ship: February
Free Shipping

15.4-inch TFT display with 1440x900 resolution
1.67GHz Intel Core Duo processor with 2MB shared L2 Cache
667MHz frontside bus
512MB (single SO-DIMM) 667MHz DDR2 SDRAM (PC2-5300)
80GB 5400rpm Serial ATA hard drive
Slot-load SuperDrive (DVD±RW/CD-RW)
ATI Mobility Radeon X1600 with 128MB GDDR3 memory

*Slurp!*

Alone

M went for reservist from today to Sunday. Even before he went, I was fretting about what I can do when he's not around during the weekend. I think my social circle has been suffering. I got loads of friends but I find it difficult to keep up the contacting and going out sessions.

Just the other day, we were starting to plan for our wedding and while thinking of the people whom we could ask to help, I had too many choices(or so it appeared to me) while M was having a much more limited choice. But then he started to ask me when I had kept in contact with these friends that I said that I have since I'm always with him. That made me think a little and I guess I have been neglecting some people that I had been close to in the past. I also think that I've been very insecure about M, always wanting to spend all my free time with him. If he's not free, then I'll go look for other friends to go out with... All my schedules revolve around him. Sigh... Guess I am becoming a possessive girlfriend... How?!?! *panic*

Well, I guess I need to apologise to all whom I have not seen very often for the past few years, especially those from my DG, people that I had spent lots of time with in NUS Crusade, and other friends from AHS and BMC... Call me when you're free? I promise to make time for you... Hee...

Who's my alter ego?

You scored as Sleeping Beauty. Your alter ego is Princess Aurora, a.k.a. Sleeping Beauty! You are beautiful and enchanting, and as sweet as ever. Sleeping Beauty 69% Peter Pan 63% The Beast 56% Cinderella 56% Donald Duck 50% Pinocchio 44% Cruella De Ville 44% Goofy 38% Ariel 31% Snow White 13% Which Disney Character is your Alter Ego? created with QuizFarm.com

Happy New Year?

It's the end of the year! And the beginning of the next! Like *DUH* right? Haha... How did you spend this interlude between the old and new year?

I remember one year, I went to Changi Airport with M and we walked back to my place from there coz we were too cheapskate to pay for the extra fees. Well, it was a pretty long walk and after much sweat, blood and frightening experiences, we finally got home 3-4 hours later. As you would have guessed, that's an experience I rather not repeat...

Then another where we went to the Esplanade and watched the fireworks. That was memorable coz we took our newly bought camera for a walk... We captured so many great pictures and videos!

Others before I met M were not as memorable... Maybe it's coz he's not with me... Maybe there's no expectancy in the coming of the new year... Maybe it's coz my parents dun allow me to go out too late... *Hahahaha...*

But I think he made my life so much fuller... I mean, with the exception of God, who can accept me with all my flaws and boo boos and silly things I do? Who can love me with such tenderness and sweetness that I never knew I could have? Who can take all my temper tantrums that I blame on PMS even though it may not be so and all the pushing away coz I was always testing him to see if he would leave me?

I'm glad that I would be marrying him, to say the vows that I would love and cherish him, in sickness and in health, in plenty or in lack, for better or for worse.

I love you darling... Happy New Year...

KTV!!!!!!!!!!!

I LUUUUURRRRRRRVEEEEE SINGING!!!!


Someone was asking me why I like to sing at KTVs when there was an occasion that I absolutely refused to sing.

You see, there's a difference in the situations. Whenever I'm with friends, I would definitely sing. In fact, I may snatch the microphone from them!! But what most people don't know is that I actually feel scared whenever I first start singing with a group of people. I never know whether people would laugh at me whenever I sing off key or miss the lyrics or something. And that is always my worst fear...

But in the other scenario, people have already started saying things like: "She's really good at singing!", or "Her voice is really great!" and things like that. It's like, people have a higher expectation when they hear good reviews of movies, but when they watch it, they feel really disappointed coz it doesn't meet their expectations. I have the absolute fear that with such pressure, I may croak on the first line or something...


Sigh.... my greatest fear is to be laughed at.

The other day, my supervisor gave me this comment. He said that although I am very afraid of being laughed at, yet I don't mind being the clown of the group! I guess when I am the clown, I believe that I'm in control of others' ridicule.

Oh well, I am such a control freak...

I got it...

Yep, and there was more.

I said I have forgiven her... but have I?

I wonder...

Feelings, nothing more than feelings

I'm discovering more and more about myself these few days. I never knew I had such a lot of pain and anguish inside me, never knew that I felt so lonely actually, the feeling that nobody really loves me was so deeply ingrained in me that it just came out, and made me always so angry... Life is never fair isn't it? But I guess if I didn't feel safe, I would never had let myself go till I think the nerighbours must have been really worried... It's a good thing it wasn't the 7th month or they might think ghosts are howling. heh. Oh well, at least that part of me is dealt with. There might be more to come though... I'm counting on it. =)

Baby blues

Just went to see my godson today.... He looks so adorable!! When asleep that is... Heh... I don't seem to have much luck when it comes to visiting him coz i always seem to drop by when he's sleeping. Oh well...

But recently, I have been seeing many babies/infants/toddlers. My cousin was showing me her daughter's pictures on her mobile phone, my godson was born, having to take care of my colleague's client's toddler... and also playing with another colleague's client's son. (Ok, the last one is already going to primary school...) Somehow, I think my maternal instincts are kicking in... It does not help that I borrowed a book which had a part about this character giving birth. And after the birth of my godson, watching this documentary on the baby inside the womb... Man, I think I'm having an overdose!

Someone commented that I'm good with kids. Hmmm... I don't know, but I do know that I can't jolly well scream at other people's kids right? It's like, it takes extra effort for me to 忍 what these kids do. And I really understand why my mum screamed at me so much when I was young...

Well, I hope I can bring up my child properly so he does not become dysfunctional...

Me against my image

I think my job is having a bigger impact on my life than I'll ever imagine...

I've been getting feedback that I'm not sharing very much of my life. Even M is feeling a little curious as to why my answers to his question of: " How was your day?" just gets a "Ok" or "Ok, but busy." answer. I don't know really why I'm not sharing...

Ok, maybe I do... Some things have been happening in my personal life and somehow, I just find that I'm not comfortable talking about them coz they're quite personal and at times painful to talk about to people. It doesn't help that I've been very emotional lately and that makes me feel really vulnerable.

People who don't know me well always think that I'm a big blabbermouth and would just talk about everything in my life if I had an opportunity to do so. But I think those who do know me are finding it to be the opposite... Sometimes I do share extensively, and I think that's coz of my personality. I need to talk it out, let off steam, vent my frustration. Sometimes, that person could be M, but more often than not it's my colleagues who get the receiving end of my sharings nowadays.

Well, for one thing, they're there! For the better part of my day, they are around me and being in my profession helps when you wanna have someone who will not tell me WHAT to do at the first 5 minutes of my sharing or to give me a reassuring line that things will be fine 20 minutes into my rants. They empathise with me, make me feel like my emotional crappiness is normal and don't shove advice down my throat.

It's like, I feel... safe. Yeah, safety is the word.... I've been finding out more and more about myself and getting genuinely surprised at myself. There is so much more to me! And knowing that safety is at the top of my priority of who to share my feelings and thoughts with is kind of weird since I didn't used to think that's important with other people's issues. And that also made me handle the information that others share with me more carefully since I don't want to hurt them.

Sigh... So many insights and not knowing what to do with them is quite a headache... I think I shall continue this the next time I feel like it. Hee...

Another piece of useless info... But it's a nice quiz!

Elmo You scored 52% Organization, 65% abstract, and 76% extroverted!

This test measured 3 variables. First, this test measured how organized you are. Some muppets like Cookie Monster make big messes, while others like Bert are quite anal about things being clean. Second, this test measured if you prefer a concrete or an abstract viewpoint. For the purposes of this test, concrete people are considered to gravitate more to mathematical and logical approaches, whereas abstract people are more the dreamers and artistic type. Third, this test measured if you are more of an introvert or an extrovert. By definition, an introvert concentrates more on herself and an extrovert focuses more on others. In this test an introvert was somebody that either tends to spend more time alone or thinks more about herself. You are mostly organized, more abstract, and more extroverted. Most people either love or hate Elmo. I hope you love Elmo, because that's who you are. You are both somewhat organized. You have a good idea where you put things and you probably keep your place reasonably clean. You aren't totally obsessed with neatness though. Elmo has the same basic approach. His place is pretty tidy, but he doesn't spend all of his time cleaning it up. You both are abstract thinkers. You definitely are not afraid to take chances in life. You only live once. You may notice others around you playing it safe, but you are more concerned with not compromising your desires, and getting everything you can out of life. This is a very romantic approach to life, but hopefully you are also grounded enough to get by. Elmo's whole life is based on fantasy and his imagination. In the beginning he was a regular character, but now he spends most of his time in this fantasy world. You are both extroverts. Elmo likes to talk talk talk. He'll talk with people, goldfish, tables, whatever. Without interaction with others he gets very sad. You definitely enjoy the company of others, and you don't have problems meeting new people... in fact you probably look forward to it. You are willing to take charge when necessary or work as part of a team. The other possible characters are Oscar the Grouch Big Bird Cookie Monster Ernie Snuffleupagus Kermit the Frog Grover The Count Guy Smiley Bert If you enjoyed this test, I would love the feedback! Also if you want to tell me your favorite Sesame Street character, I can total them up and post them here. Perhaps your choice will win!

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 41% on Organization You scored higher than 82% on concrete-abstra You scored higher than 84% on intro-extrovert

Link: The Your SESAME STREET Persona Test written by greencowsgomoo on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Hooked on it...

Description:
Monster Pets allows players to groom not just one, but up to four monsters for fast-paced, heart-racing, tag team battles in this simulation cum turn-based action hybrid. Feed them and watch them grow as well as develop into fighting machines with special skills and abilities.

The title says it all

Am I poor or what?

I've been lamenting to M that I'm feeling very poor as I have been spending a lot of money on things that I dun really need. And the worst part is that many of my friends have been getting married or giving birth to a baby or stuff like that and I have to come out with money to give ang pow to... Sigh... I'm not unhappy that they're getting married or having a child but it's just that my pocket is not really able to take all these expenses much longer...

The agony of ever seeing your savings balance keeping constant, the next level is always so near, yet so far. And the fact that others who have gone into more lucrative careers have so much more to spend just gets to me at times. I remember once when M's mother was commenting that I'm actually earning quite little and my answer was: "Ok la... It's enough..." I wonder if I was just comforting myself...

But then as I lamented, I saw M's income and the accompanying humongous expenses, I figured that God is fair. I'm earning enough! No doubt, a bit tight at times... But IT'S ENOUGH! I will see each extra as a blessing that God has given me and to just bear with the less that I have to take! It won't help lamenting on it...

Besides, I LOVE my job! And the people who go with it... Hee...

Shucks... My blog is worthless!

My blog is worth $0.00.
How much is your blog worth?